Nostalgia

I completely forgot about this:

(Un)smoking

Ok I changed my mind, I'm quitting. Went to the city this weekend and paid $9.25 for a pack, plus an extra dollar for a mini Bic. New York's great for making me feel really, really broke. Keeping it real, I guess. In Ohio I'd pay around $6 for both. I have one cigarette left, it'll be my last.

Also, I ate like 9,000 Starbursts over the course of the last week. I think I should quit those too, but I still have a pound and a half of them left. After that.

In trying to be healthy/do all the lacrosse conditioning I skipped over the last month, I worked out today and went to the cafeteria with a salad in mind. Those are usually pretty quick and easy because most stressed out Vassar kids need things like protein and carbs, not lettuce, so there's never a line. 

Today, though, there was no salad at the salad bar. And what's more, I left my Nalgene in the cafeteria so I'll have to drink out of cups until the next time I can get to the mall. I need to quit taking things like salad and water for granted, I guess I've learned.

It's probably because it's a new semester, everyone spent the break growing their asses, classes aren't hard enough yet to forget dieting, spring break's coming up, et cetera. Salad's good for making you feel better about yourself, even if you do follow it up with a Coke.

I eventually tracked down some spinach and croutons, which was just ok. I felt pretty good about myself until I just ate half of a cake and some of the yellow Starbursts left over from a weekend of pink/red/orange lovers. Which is everyone.

So now I'll just drink some water out of my cup and work on the paper I already have due tomorrow. Coincidentally, it's about blogs "as a socially embedded site for the ongoing negotiation of meaning". Whatever that means...

Luv yall,

MLN

He's a what? He's a what?

He's a newspaper man

and he gets his best ideas

from a newspaper stand;

from his boots to his pants

to his comments to his rants

he knows that any little article will do!

Smoking

Smoking will always be cool. 

1. Parisians
2. Breakfast at Tiffany's
3. James Dean
4. Bands
5. Socialites

I smoke...occasionally. Cigarettes  temporarily numb things, keep me from freaking out, to allow me to, ironically, take a breath and realize, depending on my optimism, that a)things don't suck as much as I think, or b)things could be a lot worse.

And so I don't think I'm gonna stop.

What it feels like to have no feelings:

Looking through my Facebook, it turns out I have a handful of friends that are getting married soon. Sure, I'm happy for them, but I just can't imagine why in the Hell anyone would ever want to get married.

It's been like three or four months since I first realized that love isn't really that much fun; it's probably one of the most difficult and ridiculous things I've ever been through. Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with the person who helped me along with that epiphany and I got to thinking--am I just the ridiculous one?

I feel like I'm lagging in the recovery process even though I've been working out and taking my vitamins, going to school, pursuing new interests, et cetera, et cetera. So what am I doing wrong?  If my life was a computer, I'd trash the three years leading up to 2009 and then maybe search around online for a new 2005-2008 download that involves a little more traveling, a little more maturity, some time spent getting well-read, and some good, honest advice on this whole love/relationship thing. 

I want to just know everything without doing the work for it, especially when it comes to all of this emotional bullshit I've been going through lately. Just tell me what the sentiments should be and I'll go through the motions, but I'm not very interested in acutally knowing what they feel like.

But I am still alive and loved

and wide-eyed in my time

not a mummy stinking in its cloths

your cat clawed out my eyes

while I was distracted by your smile

and now my sockets sit like empty catchers' mits waiting

and you ask me is there anybody else that I'm dating.