Love, srsly?

I made this public because I want nothing to do with it on a strictly personal level anymore. This is me letting it go...in some ways. But I'll have you know that this is sappy as Hell, and I realize that. But really I never step back and let myself feel things, and I guess this is my attempt to do so.

Relationships are difficult, they require a lot of time and effort. When things fell apart, not only did it feel like a personal failure, but it also made me question my former beliefs about the person I loved. It made me feel stupid and embarrassed that I couldn’t spot those qualities before I threw my heart into it. And now I'm left with a huge chunk ripped out that is just dead but still attached to his somehow because I worked so hard to make that connection.

My first Vassar fall was beautiful; I had never seen leaves turn so red nor felt air so clean. Things were looking up—I had October vacation to look forward to, which meant time with friends, a little break from school, and beautiful weather to go with it.

Of course, this couldn’t be the case; really, are things ever truly “looking up?” I’m sure they try sometimes, just to break up the drear of this ridiculous life of constant misses and failures, but it’s never permanent. The only thing permanent in this life is the ever-present lack of control.

And so now I'm back at school. The leaves are all on the ground now, and instead of crunching up and disintegrating, they’ve been rained on and are now rotting all over the sidewalks. Believe me, the smell is fantastic.

I guess I could compare this to the death of my last relationship. I was under the impression that it would just turn a brilliant red in a last attempt to assert its dying beauty, and then disappear, never to be worried about again.

But instead, things turned sour. It was rained on, stepped all over, and now lies stuck to the concrete, leaving a last, desperate, stinking impression on everyone that happens to notice it in passing.

I guess I should've expected that, though; he wasn't much of a Romantic.

"Suddenly, all your history's ablaze 

Try to breathe, as the world disintegrates

Just like autumn leaves, we're in for change 

Holding tenderly to what remains"

The Election

Actually, I have nothing to say about the election.

Vanity Fair

I was getting ready for work today after a thoroughly annoying ballet class and a long psych lecture, and I realized that I spend way too much time caring about how I look.

I buy my clothes because I like them, so why can't every outfit just...work? Because I'm vain and hormonal. Today, for instance, I feel huge. Chances are that if I weighed myself, I'd be a disgusting two or three pounds heavier than I was yesterday, so obviously that means I can't look good in the same pants I loved last week.

Well, I'm wearing them anyway. 

And so here I sit in a random little Po-town cafe, drinking a (not so good) cappuccino, attempting to catch up on the three months of Vanity Fair I've skipped. I don't know why this seems necessary considering I haven't yet started my paper due tomorrow , but that doesn't really bother me too much. I've found that forcing my own motivation makes me even more reluctant to start my work.

"Your eminence, you're lookin' good!," Bush bellowed when he met Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in June. A few weeks later at the G-8 Summit in Japan to discuss climate change, he exited with an air punch and a cheery "Good-bye from the world's biggest polluter!" The remark was met with stony silence by the other attendees, who didn't seem to appreciate this attempt at hilarity from a man whose nation consumes a quarter of the world's oil. -Graydon Carter, editor-in-chief Vanity Fair

I voted already, and if you know me at all, you know who I voted for. Really, I welcome any change in the White House, and that's not an Obama reference. I use "change" to mean, you know, something/someone different. And with either one of the current candidates, something monumental is guaranteed to happen. Either a woman or a black guy will lead our country, and that's pretty cool. Unfortunately, neither of these two people has any sort of foreign policy experience, and one of them can't even name a single news source she reads on a daily basis, so things are looking dim. Whatever, it always goes that way doesn't it?

Apparently, Palin was given around $150,000 to revamp her wardrobe for the campaign. Sure, that's pocket change in comparison to the hundreds of millions spent on the overall campaign, but that's still ridiculous. I guess the GOP's starting to realize they need to separate her as much as possible from Clinton and her shocking yellow suits, so she blows it all on some red ones and some very interesting bang highlights. 

Giving style a masculine edge in order to give the impression of professionalism hardly seems to make sense when the entire reason Palin is so popular is because of her femininity and hockey-mom appeal. Clearly her verbal tactics can't get her anywhere, so she might as well just hit up Diane von Furstenberg and get something with an actual neck line. 

If she could only follow in Michelle Obama's footsteps with her Narciso Rodriguez dresses (gasp, a dress?), maybe she could, at the very least, gain some sort of positive media. Sure, Palin wants Amerians to focus on her political views, but clearly the party was trying to say something when they gave her such a huge sum of money simply for clothing. Style does matter, I guess that goes to say.

Anyway, it's a little too late now. Tomorrow's the election, and I'm sure she already has some sort of structured, neutral or red military-type jacket picked out for the after-party.

So, go vote tomorrow. Or at least have a reason not to.

"Andy Bernard doesn't lose contests, he wins them. Or he quits them because they're unfair."

Savings

It's barely November and some of the things outside are frozen. Some of my things inside are frozen, but for a very different reason. 

Thanks to daylight savings time, I had an extra hour today to get some thinking done. I spent it watching House and cleaning my room. Thought wasn't a part of the equation, but I've found that my mind works so much better when my rug is clean. 

Or when I've had some form of caffeine and a cigarette.

But really, what did I save? Certainly not my sanity, that's been gone for a few weeks now. 

I didn't save any money. In fact, I spent way too much on some stuffed French toast and a (very good) cappuccino.

I did nothing to save my grades; I couldn't concentrate enough to do any homework.

My lungs? Those will have to wait until lacrosse starts again.

In essence, my extra hour was spent wasting it. And really, it felt good. Relaxation has never been my forte, and I realize that maybe saving myself is what today was all about.

But really, that isn't something I'm capable of doing.

As for now, I should really be working on an international politics paper. Talk about saving...

"...we prayed it never be fixed or be found"