Love, srsly?

I made this public because I want nothing to do with it on a strictly personal level anymore. This is me letting it go...in some ways. But I'll have you know that this is sappy as Hell, and I realize that. But really I never step back and let myself feel things, and I guess this is my attempt to do so.

Relationships are difficult, they require a lot of time and effort. When things fell apart, not only did it feel like a personal failure, but it also made me question my former beliefs about the person I loved. It made me feel stupid and embarrassed that I couldn’t spot those qualities before I threw my heart into it. And now I'm left with a huge chunk ripped out that is just dead but still attached to his somehow because I worked so hard to make that connection.

My first Vassar fall was beautiful; I had never seen leaves turn so red nor felt air so clean. Things were looking up—I had October vacation to look forward to, which meant time with friends, a little break from school, and beautiful weather to go with it.

Of course, this couldn’t be the case; really, are things ever truly “looking up?” I’m sure they try sometimes, just to break up the drear of this ridiculous life of constant misses and failures, but it’s never permanent. The only thing permanent in this life is the ever-present lack of control.

And so now I'm back at school. The leaves are all on the ground now, and instead of crunching up and disintegrating, they’ve been rained on and are now rotting all over the sidewalks. Believe me, the smell is fantastic.

I guess I could compare this to the death of my last relationship. I was under the impression that it would just turn a brilliant red in a last attempt to assert its dying beauty, and then disappear, never to be worried about again.

But instead, things turned sour. It was rained on, stepped all over, and now lies stuck to the concrete, leaving a last, desperate, stinking impression on everyone that happens to notice it in passing.

I guess I should've expected that, though; he wasn't much of a Romantic.

"Suddenly, all your history's ablaze 

Try to breathe, as the world disintegrates

Just like autumn leaves, we're in for change 

Holding tenderly to what remains"